13,600 / 20,000 (68%)

Samba story
7,926 / 8,000 (99.1%)

S.M. (Book 1)
580 / 10,000 (5.8%)

S.M. (Book 2)
1,010 / 10,000 (10%)

4,032 / 10,000 (40.5%)

ASPCA Day is April 10

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Thursday, June 30, 2005

A test to fill out space today...

I got this test from Sasha. It's so darn accurate that it's disturbing. *lol*

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs.

For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

A very productive day

Between interruptions I managed to write 654 words today. WOOOHOOO! Chapter 2 is still a bit hazy on the stripper's details, but it can't be helped. I need to make more research on striptease and lap dancing. *evil grin* So anywya, instead of getting stuck on chapter 2, I wrote whatever dialogue and situation popped in my mind. I got loads of them! I'll figure out how to join them later. BTW, one of the exciting things about this story is that I'm writing in first person. I've never written one like that, not because I didn't want to in as much as it never came to me like that. But I couldn't help myself this time. The story popped in my mind in first person, and I'm sticking with it.

On other news, you all know how I've been seeking for CP's in the past. I belong to a few critique groups, but I felt compelled to seek a more one-on-one critique situation. However, all my attempts at finding CP's felt flat - until this Monday. Last Sunday I posted about seeking a CP on Romance Divas forum. I'd done it before without results, so honestly, I didn't expect anyone to answer. So you can imagine my surprise when I logged in on yesterday and found private messages from two willing victims...er... I mean, divas - Phoenix Ford and Diva Gina. I hope to finish my lastest WIP this weekend so I can send it to them and start the bonding process, see if we can work out.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

You could be my silver spring...

I rarely logged into ICQ anymore, but tonight I felt compelled to do so. (Talk about following my instincts and doing what the voices tell me to!) As I got in, I noticed the little blinking envelope icon on the tray and put the cursor over it. A message from my ex-bf (yes, the same one from the other post you all were so impressed with) awaited, so I opened it. In it he tells me that he's getting married this September. I'm very happy for him, and sent him a congrats message. But after I logged out, a sense of melancholy descended upon me. Then this song came on the radio and it was my undoing.

You could be my silver spring....
Blue-green..colors flashin'
I would be your only dream.....
Your shinin' autumn....ocean crashin'....
Don't say that she's pretty....
and did you say that she loves you...?
Baby I don't wanna know.

So I'll begin not to love you...
Turn around, you'll see me runnin'
I'll say I loved you years ago...
And tell myself you never loved me....No......
Don't say that she's pretty....
And did you say that she loves you...?
Baby, I don't wanna know....Oh no.....
And can you tell me...was it worth it....?
Baby, I don't wanna know..

Time cast a spell on you...you won't forget me...
I know I could've loved you but you would not let me....

Time cast a spell on you...but you won't forget me...
(I was such a fool)
I know I could've loved you, but you would not let me..
(Give me one more chance)
I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you..
(Haunt you)
You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you..
Stevie Nicks - "Silver Springs"

A hit of vamprotica

After posting about the writing contests, I was bored to death so I took out a piece of paper and started jotting down this totally crazy ideas for possible stories. I mean, some were too freaking weird, but my brain was entertained so I didn't mind. I read them back and laughed. But my eyes kept coming back to this particular one. Something about it reminded me of LK Hamilton's Guilty Pleasure. Next thing I know I ended up writing 517 words into a story for the Chippewa Publishing anthology. Before I knew it, I had it pretty much plotted. I don't know the names of the hero and heroine yet. I put them some stupid names while their true names come to me - eventually. Also I don't have a title for it. Maybe Vamprotica? No. No good. It's not fair either since that's the name of the anthology. Okay, that'll come up later. I know it has to be the same name as the place where the heroine works.

I feel giddy with this new story. Oh, I know it's not something Chippewa Publishing will be interested on, even though it'll be very erotic. I can't tell you why right now, but let me say this much. The heroine isn't the type that most romance readers will like.

Writing contests around the corner

Last night a friend of mine sent me the latest list of writing contests, and here it is for those of you who are interested in this kind of contests:

Ends: July 31, 2005
Word Count 2,000 to 6,000

Siren 2005 Contest
Ends: August 1, 2005
Word count: 15,000 to 120,000

Seasonal Erotic Stories
Ends: See website for specific dates
Word Count: 8,000 words or less

The Vamprotica sounds like a good one. That is if I could write a short story. *lol* I'm such a plotter that I always start adding to the conflict and end up with more words than required. My friend told me to send TBS to the Seasonal Erotic Stories from Whiskey Creek since it has a summer setting. It sounded like a good idea at first, until I noticed the maximum number of words. TBS is already in almost 6K words and it's still not half way through the conflict. *lol*

Anyone else planning to jump aboard on one of these contests?

Monday, June 27, 2005

I'm still here...

Oh, I know. I know. It's been almost a week since my last post. I wish I could say I've been busy writing, but the truth is that I didn't touch a pen or the keyboard in all this time. Although I tried. I sat before the computer for a while, but all I could do was stare at the monitor, the cursor blinking back at me. I could see a mental cursor in my brain blinking too, waiting for ideas to pop up. But life has a way of turning itself upside down. *sighs* Last Friday did it for me. (Read more details here.) My brain is foggy, so don't expect anything creative coming out of it any time soon. Gosh, I'm lucky if I can hold a coherent thought for a whole minute. I walk around like a zombie, and my movements are more automatic than born out of true responses.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Guilty as charged!

Okay, I know I said I was going to do some writing while at work. But did I do instead? I started by logging into Yahoogroups to check the posts in the groups I'm in. Then I logged out and off I went to blog-hop. It's been a while since I've checked all the blogs I've got listed, you know. After I finished blog-hopping, I felt a twiched of guilt and opened the TBS file. I added a couple of words to chapter 2 when I realized I got mail. So on I went to check my inbox. *tsk, tsk, tsk* Shame on me.

Breathing in easier

Finally! The labs are over! Woohooo! *does the Ren & Stimpy happy-joy dance* Gosh, I don't think I'd have been able to take another day at that fast pace. And even though I still have to working, I don't have to worry about the labs anymore, so the pace has slow down. On top of this, Sasha White's workshop, "How to Take Your Pants Off by the Seat of Your Pants: A Look at Letting Your Characters Drive Your Love Scenes", ended last Friday, and in two days ends the other one, "Psychology of Building Characters Workshop" with Laurie Campbell. Both incredible workshops! Very informative! I took tonz of notes. *g* I can't wait to put it all into practice.

However, I'm glad they are over too. Last week I could barely breath due to the stress caused by work and my personal problems. But today I'm feeling less tense. *g* I'll use my time to do some work done in the writing department. But first I need to finish critiquing Amy's chapter 4. I was so busy that I forgot. Then I want to outline a very short vampire erotic romance story I came up with a couple of hours ago and finish TBS so I can send it out to be critiqued.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Decisions, decisions, decisions...

Yesterday although I had the house all to myself (ah, glorious peace and quiet!), I didn't even bother to get my butt off the lazy chair and write. I rented a few DVDs and spent the afternoon eating mint chocolate ice cream. Let's face it, I was no closer to a solution than I was the day before. And I didn't want to have another round of arguments with my brain. Then at night, I was online, checking my email, when my ex-bf logged on ICQ and we started chatting. This is how part of the convo went.

Him: "How's the writing coming along?"

Me: "Not so good."

Him: "Tell me."

Me: "You see, I originally wrote this novella for the Phaze contest. It was suppossed to be an erotic romance but it turned into a sweet romantic comedy so I didn't send it. Then, I started writing all these erotic scenes, which I tried to insert into the story line to crank up the heat, and hopefully send it to the Siren Pub contest. The problem is that these new scenes changed the story."

Him: "How?"

Me: "Well, for one, the characters changed. Especially the heroine. And the conflict isn't the same. You know, the whole GMC. But that's not the problem."

Him: "What's the problem then?"

Me: "The story line. The scenes don't flow with the story as it is."

Him: "Then re-write the story."

Me: "I don't wanna. I like it the way it is." (I pouted like a kid.)

Him: "I see. Then tell me what's really bothering you."

(I'm telling you, the man is psychic. Oh wait! He's a Gemini; they're half psychics.)

Me: "I feel that the erotic element I added in the story is taking over the true internal conflict."

Him: "So?"

(Gosh, men are so dense!)

Me: "I don't know how to achieve a balance."

Him: "Do this other contest require your story to be erotic?"

Me: "No."

Him: "Then send the story as you originally wrote to that contest."

(At this point I grumbled to myself something about being so stupid for not keeping a copy of the original story.)

Me: *blushing deeply, mortified to admit that I was a moron* "I don't have it anymore."

Him: "Tell me more about the erotic scenes. Where does the first one start?"

(I have to give the man credit for not laughing at me. So I went on to tell him first about the story, then on to the erotic scenes.)

Him: "Get rid of that first sex scene of them at the beach."

Me: "But it's a very hot one."

Him: *laughed* "Yeah but doesn't make sense in the story."

Me: "But...but...but... then they won't have sex until like chapter 8."

Him: "Is it necessary for the characters to have sex much earlier?"

Me: *sighed* "I guess not."

Him: "Then keep the ones that happened after she saved him from the storm."

Me: *whine* "But I still want to keep that beer bottle scene."

Him: "Write another story with that scene in mind."

After I logged out and turned off the computer, I spent the rest of the night thinking about he'd said. Decisions... decisions... decisions... Nothing comes to me easy. Drats!

Sunday, June 19, 2005

A waste of a Saturday night

Well, I was hoping to get some writing done last night, but I was so torn about what to do with my latest WIP that I was creatively paralyzed. As I sometimes do when I'm stuck, I cranked some good Fleetwood Mac tunes on CD and let my fingers hovered over the keyboard, willing them to move, to type something - anything! - but I kept having this argument inside my brain every time I came up with an idea. It went something like this:

Brain: "Do you really want to add that scene?"
Me: "Yeah, it's a good one."
Brain: "But what does it have to do with the conflict?"
Me: *sighed* "Oh, okay, maybe I could write another story and add this scene then."
Brain: "Using the same setting - the beach?"
Me: "Yeah. Why not?"
Brain: "Boooooring."
Me: "Okay, then I'll add it here somehow."
Brain: "It'll look a bunch of disjointed scenes."
Me: "Well, excuse me if I can't write in linear form."
Brain: "Oh sheesh! Is that the best you can come up with?"
Me: "I'm trying my best, you know!"
Brain: "The story is fine the way it is."
Me: "No, it's not. I need to crank up the heat."
Brain: "You're obsessed with this story, you know."
Me: "Oh, shut up!"

Great! Just what I needed - an opinionated mind. *snorts* So after spending hours sitting before the computer, all I had typed was "lalalalalalalala" like a gazillion times. So I gave up and went off to watch some TV.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Caught between a rock and a hard place

You see, when I first came up with the story line, I did it with the Phaze contest in mind. But due to the lack of heat and erotic scenes, I decided not to submit it at the last minute. And so I began rewriting it, adding some erotic scenes to crank up the heat. Of course, this is taking me longer than I thought it would.

First, I need to insert these scenes into the plot line so they don't look incoherent. Then the addition of those erotic elements (strong language, sex scenes, etc.) is changing the flow of the story line, as well as who the hero and heroine are and their motivations. The latter doesn't represent a problem. I might not like my hero and heroine as much as I did before, but that's okay, I can deal with it. No problem in this area.

Now the changes the plot line is a different thing. The erotic scenes are overshadowing the original conflict between the heroine and the hero. Their conflict shouldn't be solely based on whether they have the hots for each other. That's part of it, but not the 100% of it. How can I achieve a balance between the internal conflict and the external conflict?

Friday, June 17, 2005

All About

This is a little exercise I found posted in Gina Welborn's blog, and I thought about giving it a try.

All About...

I am Silma.
I wonder if I'll get the house of my dreams.
I hear the voices of my characters.
I see the sorrow of small orphaned animals.
I want to have lots of money to make the improvements to the house I'm buying.
I pretend that everything is alright.
I feel happy.
I touch the soft rain.
I worry about Pixie's health.
I cry when I'm frustrated.
I understand that the world isn't perfect.
I say whatever comes to my mind.
I dream about publishing my books.
I try to be a better writer.
I hope I am more than I'm now.
I am a very simple person.

Why don't you give it a try too? *g* Copy and paste in your blog the following part and answer it:

ALL ABOUT (fill in your name here)

I am _______________________.
I wonder _____________________.
I hear _______________________.
I see _______________________.
I want __________________________.
I pretend _______________________.
I feel ______________________.
I touch _____________________.
I worry ___________________.
I cry ______________________.
I understand _________________.
I say __________________.
I dream ________________.
I try ____________________.
I hope I am __________________.
I am ________________.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Where do your ideas come from?

Gosh, if I had a dollar for every time I've been asked this, I'd have enough to pay this month's Cable TV. The worst part is that no matter how many times they ask me this question I can't think of an answer. Sure I'm constantly loaded (or plagued) with story lines. Last night while I was trying to come up with something for Sasha White's workshop, I came up with another idea about this dragon man and this witch woman, which I quickly wrote down before I forgot.

Some say they dream their stories. Wow! How lucky they are! I can't remember my dreams, and when I do, as soon as I open my eyes I forget them. I tried the dream journal, but it didn't work. So I tried to write down the dream with my eyes shut, but I could understand my handwriting. *lol*

There are three things that I can think of that trigger my brain into hyperdrive. One is music. I can be listening to a song and suddenly I can see images. For example, "Beauty and the Beast" by Stevie Nicks was the inspiration for a scene in one of my vampire romance stories. The other is a picture or a drawing. Recently I was checking out this website that has a display of all of Boris Vallejo's artwork, and a few of them swept me off my imagination. Finally, a shower (especially on Sundays). There's something about being alone in the bathroom showering that helps me think clearly.

So what triggers those neurons in your brain and make you come up with ideas for your stories?

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

I'm such a workshop slut!

Besides the one that I started yesterday, I'm also taking this week "Crafting The Novella" with Morgan Leigh and "How to Take Your Pants Off by the Seat of Your Pants - A Look at Letting Your Characters Drive Your Love Scenes" with Sasha White. Both workshops courtesy of Romance Divas. Gosh, I just hope I've not overloaded myself. Although it won't be the first time. *lol*

Monday, June 13, 2005

The Muse is back!

Yeah baby! It's all coming back! Yesterday's scenes and dialogues - the one I thought lost somewhere in the twilight zone of my brain - started to filter back into consciouness after I opened the file and read the small bits I had written yesterday. I got so far about 650 words. Mostly in dialogues. I'll flesh out the chapter later.

Ready for a new workshop

Okay, I'm ready for this month's workshop, Psychology of Building Characters with Laurie Campbell, at FTHRW. This workshop runs Monday, June 13th through Friday, June 25th. I hope I can do better on this one than I did on the previous one. I still have to download a few of the lecture notes. *g*

Sunday, June 12, 2005

I hate it when this happens...

While I was in the shower, pieces of a scene between Christopher, Mannix, and Mr. Eselmann popped into my head. It's suppossed to be a very intense scene where some secrets are revealed, pushing the hero (Christopher) to make a decision (kind of like a dark moment). This scene has been giving me problems. For a while I wasn't able to get pass the dialogue at Mr. Eselmann's office. And even that was incomplete. I knew there was more to it, but I couldn't figure out what. Well, today I had this great revelation where I saw the whole scene - and more, the whole chapter. I was so excited I couldn't wait to get out of the shower and write everything down. Well, I grabbed the pen and opened the notebook when all sort of interruptions popped. Phone ringing. People visiting. And then "The Return of the Mummy" was on TV too. Couldn't miss that! By the time I was able to sit before the computer and type, barely a shadow of the ideas remained. I wrote what little I could remember, but most of the good stuff was gone. *sighs*

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Back to our regular programming

Well, since the "graphic standards" are temporarily suspended, I took down the Mickey Mouse template (cute but didn't allow my cool visitors to post), and now I'm back using this dull template again. (Yes, you all can post again! WOOOHOOO!!!!) For the time being anyway. I'm hunting for a new template. Something that says "this is me." So far I've found several nifty ones, but none that really calls my attention. I've been thinking about creating my own one, but I need time to figure out how to insert the images, etc. And time is something I don't much of lately...

On other news, I managed to do some more writing this week. Although I forgot to keep track, I'd say I added about 250 words to TBS. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I'm rather proud of it considering that did it while working. *lol* Right now I'm concentrating on how to weave the new ideas into the original plot. And you know what that means - plotting! Can you believe that I sat down with paper and pen and did an outline? Gosh, I'm so proud of myself. *g*

BTW, recently Elaine suggested me to submit TBS to the Siren Publications contest, since they're accepting all kind of romance stories. For a moment I thought it'd be a good idea, and I could send the original piece instead of the "erotic" version I'm so poorly trying to create. So I checked out the contest website and found out the deadline is August 1, 2005. The winners will be announced on October 3, 2005. Since TBS is set during summer, I don't think the story is suited for this particular contest.

Speaking of writing, I pulled out the story I wrote for the NaNo challenge, hoping to start the editing process. So I went over the few critiques it got, and although those who got to read all 27 chapters liked the story, they never said much about the plot. Geez, I'm still think I've got two strong plots entwined into this story. And one doesn't go with the other. I'm tempted to separate them, so one story will have the tarot element and the other one the cats element. Gosh, I'm spliting hairs here! What should I do? *bangs head against desk* Ouch, that didn't work. I think I'll flip a coin instead.

While I'm trying to figure that out, a fellow writer asked me if I was still planning to participate in the Liquid Silver Book zodiac contest. Gee, I had forgotten about that one. Anyway, with my record of pulling out the stories the day before the deadline, I laughed and said no. I admit that back in April I discussed two interesting plot ideas for this contest with Briana. She liked the one with the astrologer very much. She claimed the one with the alien hero sounded good, but I needed to work out more the motivation factors. I admit I sort of had the general idea, but the details for the second idea were still fuzzy in mind. Then as I was surfing the web, I came upon this image from Boris Vallejo.

That's my hero and heroine righ there!!! My Capricorn man and my Earthling woman. *does the Ren & Stimpy happy-joy dance* I printed it out and taped it where I can see it while I type. *g* I hope it inspires me to write the story (even if I don't submit it to LSB contest).

Friday, June 10, 2005

Graphical Standards suspended!

Erotic romance writers, your voices were heard! Hot from inbox!!! RWA has temporarily suspended the "Graphical Standards." RWA will form a committee that will be in contact with the members, seeking out their ideas on "graphical standards", when and how these standards should be applied. Then the committee must report back to RWA by the beginning of September.

Oh geez... And just when I had put this Mickey Mouse template, hoping it met the "graphical standard." *evil grin* Now I'll have to take it down.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Not only Eminem causes controversy

Who says that rap artists are the only ones who can create mega-controversies? HA! Trust me, their little scuffs were nothing compared to the pandemonium RWA created with the release of their earth-shattering news about the "graphical standards" 7 days ago. I first read about it from Nonny's post at Romance Divas. Then I went by Jordan Summer's blog, where I got the low down of it.

You see, this whole mess started when RWA posted the following general (and extremely vague) statement:
'With respect to all RWA programs and services, the following shall not be depicted or represented: exposed male and female genitalia, exposed female nipples, cunnilingus and fellatio, hands or mouth covering naked female breasts, naked or g-string-clad buttocks, and bestiality. The following words: c*ck, c*cksucker, c*nt, f*ck, motherf*cker, sh*t, and t*t, will not be displayed.'
Of course, you can imagine what happened once the news spread (and boy, did it spread wider than a hooker's legs!). (Uh, can I say "h*ker" here?) The response from the erotic romance writers came in swift. They were pissed, and they let everyone know it! The argument over RWA's new censorship ideas was heatly discussed everyhwere - blogs, Yahoogroups, and forums.

But was RWA after censorship? According to most erotica and erotic romance writers, yes. You see, here's the deal. For example, let's say I'm an erotic romance writer and my website or blog shows pics from my books' covers where there are half-naked men, RWA won't link to me.

(Oops! Did I just show two hot men with the most delicious looking butts? Sorry.)

Then RWA claimed to be setting "graphical standards" just like it's done in other mediums. You know, so they're not accused of pornography by the post office.

Anyway, the controversy has escalated in the last fews days to a feverish pitch. Upset erotica and erotic romance writers, decided to form their own organization, called Erotic Romance Writers Guild.

Personally I don't know what to think of all of this. Too many things have been said on both sides. I can see the point of erotic romance writers. However, I like RWA because through their online chapters I've had the opportunity to participate in great workshops. Oh hell (oops, I mean h*ll), I'm going to sit this one down and see what happens next.

A Walk Down Memory Lane ...

A Walk Down Memory Lane... (Tag Game)

Hehehe! I got tagged by the (sneaky) Kat!

The Rules

Remove the #1 item from the following list, bump everyone up one place and add your blog's name in the #5 spot. You need to actually link to each of the blogs for the link-whorage aspect of this fiendish meme-age to kick in *g*.

Here we go:

1. Joely Sue Burkhart
2. Larissa Ione
3. Teresa
4. Kat (The SoapBox)
5. Silma

...and then you choose 4 unsuspecting victims...

1. Sela
2. Briana
3. Lisa
4. Sasha White
5. Chryscat

5 Things I Miss From My Childhood

1. Life without responsibility
2. Good ole rock music
3. TV shows
4. My first dog
5. Summer vacations

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

I found THE pic!

Yes! Yes! Yes! I found the perfect photo for the cover of TBS, my lastest WIP. The funny thing is that I wasn't searching for one. Gosh, I wasn't even planning that far ahead yet (like I usually do). All I was searching for was an old pic I had posted in Romance Divas to tweak it as part of a joke. So I was surfing the web when - BAMM! - there it was. Right in front of me.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

I'm so happy... *does the Ren & Stimpy happy joy dance* (Okay, so he has dark hair instead of blonde. I can fix that in the story. *winks*)

I gotta love this! *lol*

Your Expression Number is 3
A natural performer, your destiny lies in writing, speaking, acting, or teaching.
Imaginative and unique, you have a natural creative talent in the arts.
You're also a natural salesperson. You can easily sell your ideas and yourself.

A total optimist, you are enthusiastic about life and living.
You are friendly and social - and people are taken by your charm.
Your role in life is to inspire, motivate, and raise others' spirits.

At times, you can seem a bit superficial.
Sometimes you're a bit unfocused and too easygoing.
You're best off when you don't dwell on trivial matters, especially gossip.

After a week...

Yep, I'm alive, people. *lol* I know it's been a week since my last post, but it's not been for lack of things to say, more for lack of time. If you remember, I had to sit and re-write "Taken By Storm" after I decided that it wasn't suited for Phaze. Now that I don't have the constraints of the number of words for any contest, I thought to expand some scenes and to add some elements of intrigued, which might take the story to around 15K. Anyway, this past weekened was a good one. On Saturday I did some rewriting and added a few things related to the 5 senses to already written scenes. Then on Sunday, taken by inspiration after a long shower, I wrote 4 new scenes in random order (a total of 3K words). At least the dialogues are all there. *lol* Now I still need to flesh them out a bit more. (Gosh I hate working on the descriptions.) I don't know where I'll insert these scenes yet, but they sure make the plot stronger instead of it getting deluted in the erotic elements.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

WADD (Writers Attention Deficit Disorder)

I've come to the conclusion that I suffer from WADD (Writers Attention Deficit Disorder), a very serious disease that affects some writers. Some of the symptoms are:

1) Starting too many projects at the same time.

2) Inability to stick to one story and finish it.

3) Procrastination. (There's always tomorrow!)

4) Write scenes whenever they pop in your mind, without specific order. (After all, you are only doing what the voices in your head tell you to do.)

5) Don't feel bluesy about finishing a story.

6) Get easily excited about starting a new story, and forgets quickly the old one.

7) Sit before the computer for hours unable to write getting easily distracted. (Spending too much time surfing the web and answering emails are cited as the most common form of distraction).

8) Get bored reading those "how to write a novel" books on writing and can't put into practice tips or follow the practice exercises.

If you have three or more of these symptoms, you might be suffering from WADD too. So far there isn't a cure. However, it has been found that eating M&M's or some creamy ice cream can help you get through the sense of guilt this illness causes.