LA Banks's workshop: Day 2 (Blinded with inspiration!)

Last night I went to bed without getting a critique from Leslie. But this morning I got a wonderful surprise to see she had just my critique last night. Here is what she had to say about it: All right, Silma, I’m going in, BIG GRIN… see my comments in bracket. You’ve got it all there, just have to do a little cut and paste and with a few additions to make this sexy god come alive. Get inside his head… he’s virile, loves the ladies, appreciates beauty… this you can work with, LOL! *does the Ren & Stimpy happy dance* She pretty much re-arranged my paragraph, so the second and third paragraph went at the end, while Andras's description of Jenny went after the first sentence. It might not seem like a big deal, but as I read it, I noticed that it does. The paragraph flows much better. And it moved well into the next paragraph. Then she added a few sentences to demonstrate how the senses made a difference. I admit I'm a person of few words, which reflects in my writing. So by adding in some sensory phrases into the paragraph, she made it come alive. She made the whole thing sound so sensual - which is what I was hoping for in the first place when I started writing the story back in December. As I tried to absorb all this, another thought came into my mind. What if instead of changing to his POV here, I keep it in Jenny's for a while longer, and then change to his POV after he helps her get up? Suddenly an array of possibilities burst into my mind. If it had had energy, it would have blinded me. For today LA Banks wants us to work with dialogues to "develop sensory tension and anticipation within dialogue tags and near dialogue through points of view (POVs)." That's our assignment, to put in a dialogue. So I looked into the same chapter I used for the previous assignment. I realized that the last dialogue between Andras and Jenny was worth tweaking - which I did before posting. Now let's see what Leslie thinks of it. *sits tight and prepares for LA Banks's machete to start chopping*